Such a god awful small affair
Sometimes I get so sad. I don't know what triggers it really. It just washes over me. I feel like I'm standing on a beach with a bucket, trying to stop the ocean from overflowing.
It's silly really. If I look back a couple of years my life was much worse. I try to be appreciative of what I have accomplished so far, and to look positively at the future because I do believe that things will get even better.
But then sometimes I lose sight of that and I get caught in moment and I feel like I want to cry. Or just lie down on the ground and stare up at the sky. Or the ceiling. Either one. I feel this pointlessness and hopelessness. It's strange really. I can alternate day by day from really trying my best to eat healthy and work out and ride my bike to work and talk to people and try to improve things.. and then the next day I want to throw it all out the window and not do anything and stay in my bed because it doesn't help anyway.
Ah well. I guess it's just a matter of trying to hold on to the good days, have as many of them as possible so I can feel a real improvement in my life and thereby get the strength to fight off the bad days. A positive cycle.
I should write a self-help book. I would make a great guru. Of course I'd be one of those fake gurus who preaches abstinence and purity of the soul and then I go home and hang out with prostitutes, dope and alcohol. And my self-help book would consist of the words "Don't feel bad, stupid". A positive message indeed.
I'm not sure if today is a good or a bad day. But I know there's a package waiting for me at home from Skye, so it's definitely going to improve.